Friday, July 31, 2015

not everyone is going to like you.

something i have had learn over and over again is that not everyone is going to like you no matter how hard you try. these past 6 months have been interesting, to say the least, and full of learning. i moved back to ut and have absolutely loved being back- i gained such a greater appreciation for ut since leaving. however, coming back to ut has also been a little difficult in the aspect of a social life. shortly after moving back i became aware of nasty things that were being said about me and the reason i moved back home. i will not go in to detail of those, no need to dwell.. however, i was in complete shock those things would be said period, and ultimately about me. if people knew the reason i actually moved back, maybe they would shut their traps- but no need to fuel the fire, right? at first i was completely heartbroken and was sick to my stomach these things were being said- i feel like i am genuinely a good person. am i perfect? no, far from it, however, i try my best and my best is what i can do. i was crying to a really good friend of mine on the phone questioning how anyone would come up with these nasty things to say or why anyone would say them in the first place, and they told me "ashlee, these are outrageous things to say, do you honestly think people believe them? and if they do, screw them. it shows on their character, not yours" that really stuck with me. it's true, i don't need to defend myself and prove whether something is true or not- the people who truly care about you and believe in you, are not going to be involved in these sort of childlike manners.

when someone doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you are a terrible person or there is something wrong with you. as the saying goes "you could be the ripest peach and someone is also going to want an apple" (or something to that extent haha) just do you, and those that like that and accept it will join you. like i mentioned earlier, i'm not perfect, nor will i ever claim to be. i take each day at a time and make stupid mistakes often, but i learn from them. am i the same person i was a year ago, or even a month ago? certainly not even close. i'm sure i've said this a million times, but this year has been probably the hardest emotionally, physically, and mentally for me; but on the other hand, it has also been the most learning. i've learned more about myself; who i am, and who i want to become. and who i am becoming is okay that she can't please and be liked by everyone.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

word vomit.

i will be completely honest, this move has been one of the hardest changes for me:mentally, emotionally, and physically. i try my very hardest to put on a happy face and push through it, but it's been tough. i've cried myself to sleep far too many nights from being homesick. i knew the transition would be hard but i thought, "hey, i moved away to school before + i was moved out before i left for az--being on my own wouldn't be that tough." however, being 10+ hours away from my family, friends, and home is not an easy thing. when you don't have them at your convenience you realize how much you truly had taken them for granted. what i wouldn't give to just run home after work for a quick hug from my parents or to steal some toilet paper i'm too cheap to buy. the thought has crossed my mind multiple times to just pack my life back up and leave this 'hell'. but, i am still giving arizona a chance and am open to the opportunities it provides me.
i've always known that i hate being myself, but it's become more prevalent now more than ever. even though i am constantly with brad and joe, i've never felt more alone than now. however, now is a good time to solidify my independence and prove to myself how strong i really am. prove that i can stand on my own to feet and not be dependent on someone else for my well-being.
along with the homesickness i've recently relived the feeling of heartache and losing someone you care a lot about. the day after i accepted the offer to move to phoenix, i met an incredible boy who made me feel more alive than i had in a long time (terrible timing, right?) correction, we had met before but maybe exchanged 5 words before said night. moving forward... he made me incredibly happy and even though i knew we had an expiration date, i ignored it and dove in head first. i am not that person to dive right in, i keep my guard up already prepared to get hurt. he knocked that guard down the second day. we spent every single day and night together from that moment, until the day i sent him back on a plane from phx to slc. i knew the second i sent him on that plane nothing would be the same. i cried and cried; feeling as if i just gave up one of the best things that had happened to me... as much as i tried, what i had feared came true. it wasn't working and ended. luckily for me, on good terms; but on different terms. you know on grey's anatomy how christina and meredith are each others person? he was 'my person'. the person you don't have to explain yourself to. the person that after one night after hanging out, you can talk on the phone for 4 hrs and face time the following day for 5 hrs. the person you can never get tired of.  the person that even though you disagree, you don't fight. the person you run to with your happiest moments, as well as your bad. the person that just got you. so yes, when it ended my heart did hurt even though i had been preparing myself for it. even though we are still friends, it's not the same and never will be, and that's what was the hardest to accept.
however, through this, i have tried to find the silver-lining. i feel now i am more open to arizona and what it has to offer. i will admit, i spent a lot of time worrying about 'my person' and how to salvage what was left. spent many nights stressing and worrying about everything that was changing between us. now that 'us' is not an option, i am more open to opportunities and meeting new people.
this post has no structure to it, and i accept that. these first few will probably be just as the title promotes--word vomit.

Thursday, January 1, 2015


currently, i am sitting on my couch catching the marathon of ridiculousness on mtv. i have had an inner debate of whether or not i should start blogging again. the battle was won and i decided i am going to give it another shot. so, cheers, to a new beginning.

instead of writing a novel to catch up from the past year that i've been faceless, i am going to start where i am at, and go forward...

i am living in phoenix, arizona after being transferred here for my current job at a leasing company. i left my job at the credit union late july, and haven't looked back. leaving a job i loved for the opportunities i have now, could--quite possibly--be one of the best decisions i've made. i live with my two roommates and best guys friends: brad and joe. we all live, carpool, work, and do everything together--it's cute. we celebrated ringing in the new year by going out to logan's roadhouse (much like texas roadhouse, for you utah folk), and watching hours of ridiculousness and watching the ball drop from our living room. when you live in a land where all retired adults come to live, it's a little hard to find people your own age and know exactly where one would go to celebrate new years.

as i reflect on 2014, even though it seemed to fly by, it was a milestone of a year--some good, some bad, but each has brought me to where i am now and ready to take on 2015.
here are just a few events that come to mind as i reflect on the last year:

  • attended edc (electric daisy carnival) in las vegas, nv.
  • purchased my own car
  • moved out of my parents, yet again, and into an apartment with two roommates. 
  • left my job at cyprus credit union and began at progressive leasing
  • made some incredible friends by starting my new job
  • accepted opportunity to relocate to phoenix and start up a sister location for my work. 
  • lost my grandmother.
  • met an incredible boy who made me the happiest i've been in a long time. 
  • moved to phoenix, arizona. 
  •  live in phoenix and try to find where i fit in in a place i've never been prior to moving. 
some of those events seem so minuscule and not terribly exciting, but even with some of the smallest things, i grew the most from. i'm sure as i continue blogging i will 'flashback' and touch some of the things that deeply affected me in 2014, but until then... here's to new beginnings and creating a new life.

*also, please be patient as i work on the beauty of this blog.