Sunday, January 4, 2015

word vomit.

i will be completely honest, this move has been one of the hardest changes for me:mentally, emotionally, and physically. i try my very hardest to put on a happy face and push through it, but it's been tough. i've cried myself to sleep far too many nights from being homesick. i knew the transition would be hard but i thought, "hey, i moved away to school before + i was moved out before i left for az--being on my own wouldn't be that tough." however, being 10+ hours away from my family, friends, and home is not an easy thing. when you don't have them at your convenience you realize how much you truly had taken them for granted. what i wouldn't give to just run home after work for a quick hug from my parents or to steal some toilet paper i'm too cheap to buy. the thought has crossed my mind multiple times to just pack my life back up and leave this 'hell'. but, i am still giving arizona a chance and am open to the opportunities it provides me.
i've always known that i hate being myself, but it's become more prevalent now more than ever. even though i am constantly with brad and joe, i've never felt more alone than now. however, now is a good time to solidify my independence and prove to myself how strong i really am. prove that i can stand on my own to feet and not be dependent on someone else for my well-being.
along with the homesickness i've recently relived the feeling of heartache and losing someone you care a lot about. the day after i accepted the offer to move to phoenix, i met an incredible boy who made me feel more alive than i had in a long time (terrible timing, right?) correction, we had met before but maybe exchanged 5 words before said night. moving forward... he made me incredibly happy and even though i knew we had an expiration date, i ignored it and dove in head first. i am not that person to dive right in, i keep my guard up already prepared to get hurt. he knocked that guard down the second day. we spent every single day and night together from that moment, until the day i sent him back on a plane from phx to slc. i knew the second i sent him on that plane nothing would be the same. i cried and cried; feeling as if i just gave up one of the best things that had happened to me... as much as i tried, what i had feared came true. it wasn't working and ended. luckily for me, on good terms; but on different terms. you know on grey's anatomy how christina and meredith are each others person? he was 'my person'. the person you don't have to explain yourself to. the person that after one night after hanging out, you can talk on the phone for 4 hrs and face time the following day for 5 hrs. the person you can never get tired of.  the person that even though you disagree, you don't fight. the person you run to with your happiest moments, as well as your bad. the person that just got you. so yes, when it ended my heart did hurt even though i had been preparing myself for it. even though we are still friends, it's not the same and never will be, and that's what was the hardest to accept.
however, through this, i have tried to find the silver-lining. i feel now i am more open to arizona and what it has to offer. i will admit, i spent a lot of time worrying about 'my person' and how to salvage what was left. spent many nights stressing and worrying about everything that was changing between us. now that 'us' is not an option, i am more open to opportunities and meeting new people.
this post has no structure to it, and i accept that. these first few will probably be just as the title promotes--word vomit.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ashlee! The reason I Facebook stalked you so far back was to find this as I recalled you started a blog way back when we were roommates. I started my own and wanted tips off of yours. I like it! You should write more often! Hope you are well!!! I miss that first year together (: